Love sucks, love hurts, its fucking confusing. I make mistakes, I'm human, but just because I mess up on my part, my mistake doesn't reflect my feelings for another person. My life might be going good, it might be better than it was before, but that doesn't mean I don't carry around my real feelings from the past and things that have happened. Maybe I am getting myself confused or letting my so called 'addict' talk, but sometimes I don't understand how people feel, or let alone myself. I am not making as big mistakes in my eyes as they were before, and I sure as hell dabble a lot less in old things that I have done before, and I understand that its no excuse for further behaviors or actions. I think the normality of my current life is taking me sure on a high-ride back to hell, but I am hoping with thearpy and stuff that I will be attending for six weeks that it will help it. I understand that me just going to therapy won't cure me, that I actually have to make an honest effort, which I will. Third times a charm right?
I had to take my portable hard drive into the PC shop the other day. It won't load my old files from my old computer up onto this one. I really hope its okay. It said it was working properly, maybe its just the driver its in. It has all of my writings and personal items for the past 5 years on it, and I book of poetry that I was working on for 4 years. I would be crushed if it all just vanished.

   Posted on 14 Jan 2010 by Ashleigh

Don't have much time to blog , nothing much has been worth talking about. I am super addicted to Ebay and Youtube now. You can visit my youtube channel at youtube.com/aikosada87

   Posted on 13 Jan 2010 by Ashleigh

Well since its winter and I don't like driving in snow, I suppose I will have a little extra time on my hands. I will try harder to learn all of the new web lingo/code and do a major over hall on my blog. I miss the old day's of writing about interesting stuff and people visiting everyday, having over a hundred hits a day and many internet friends. Its about time for that point to come again.
So the other day I went to the doctor to talk about getting into some much needed therapy. I don't understand why I had to pay for them to refer me to another therapist and charge me to just tell me 'you have issues with drugs and mental healths co-occuring causing co-occurancy disorder.' Well no shit, not like it was a news flash. My rabbit could have told me that. I guess I am getting to the point where I know what to do, I just have to get off my ass and do it. As much as I wan't to be better, and I am am more than half the time, the drugs always get the best of me. To be honest, I don't know if i was there for help, or secretly prescription hunting. In the back of my head I feel that way.
Well today the weather was so ungodly crappy. Snow, snow and yes more snow. I am surprised people even wanted to come to chilis to eat. I thought today would just be a normal day of raking in the 2.13 an hour and playing on my phone reading perez hilton, but people kept coming in. People just had to have those mother-fucking chicken crispers.
After work I went and saw the movie day breakers. It was really good, but not too good. The concept of it is what made it interesting. I am done with the sparkling vampires in the sun crap, show me some people ripping out arteries and hearts. I have to say, I would rather be a vampire. And yes , its because i love blood, and I'm scared to die. Bring on the immortality please.

   Posted on 08 Jan 2010 by Ashleigh

Well I finally got a new phone. My mother gave me a phone before I left for indiana, but it was so old and outdated I lost interest and never used it. So now 4 months after that fact, I purchased a new phone and sim card I am ready to go! I never noticed how much I missed and how convinent it was to have my old phone until I didn't have one. Now I can call who I wan't when I want without a boyfriend hovering over my shoulder wondering if I am setting up an appointment to meet another man/woman in a hotel room, when I am actually just talking to my grandmother on the other line. I mean privacy and trust is a something to be earned, but I mean if I really felt like doing that it would just be better to break up and move in with a friend then to get caught up in my own lies and have to cover shit up. i am not that desperate to sleep with any one else, I am quite content in fact , so I will just stay right where I am.
My boyfriend and I did have another fight last night. I don't even remember what they are about. I probably am 60 percent of the fights, but sometimes I feel as if I can't control myself. It seems that my subconcious is dragging on the fact that my life isn't as out of control as it was before so it needs to create my drama. After the fight I am completely back to normal, and my boyfriend not so, and he is angry at me because I have acted as if nothing was wrong. Well hopefully that will come to an end. I made an appointment to see someone at a behavorial health center to see someone. Probably do a med change because obviously the prozac is not working, and most defintely the drugs are just a temp solution, I am looking for something long turn that isn't a razor blade in my wrist. There is only two medications I have taken out of a fair amount and that was Tegratol and klonopin. Tegratol is an anti-seizure medication that works as a mood stablizer, and it builds up instantly so it starts working the 2nd day. When my moods are stable, im not depressed. The only side-effect with that one it made me very um.. angry and pushy. The klonopin brought down my anxiety which worked very well. Hopefully a shrink will listen to me now instead of assuming that I am drug hunting. Its cheaper and takes less hassel to buy drugs off the street, so obviously i am going through all of these appointments for the better good.
Well I better stop ranting, I work a double shift and have to go back to the slave cage soon

   Posted on 05 Jan 2010 by Ashleigh

Life is going by so slowly lately. It's sort of nice. I have really bad depression, and most people get their worst range of depression during winter months, but not me. It feels nice not to feel obligated to be out and about. My best friend britany came down from michigan so we have been hanging out since wednesday. It had been loads of fun. We went to the casino on new years eve, and let me tell you that it was extremely packed, but it was nice to have the 2 dollar champagne cart. The first time I had ever had champagne, but it was delicious. After that we just came back to the house and hung out. hopefully this year will be a better year. bu tI have to go , I will blog later 2night

   Posted on 03 Jan 2010 by Ashleigh